Fear

My whole life, I've been terrified of flying. I hate flying. I love the adventure of it all - the different planes, different people, the various airports, diverse countries, people watching... but the actual flying part freaks me out.


I'm pretty prideful when it comes to showing fear/weakness, so I suck it up. Most people probably have no idea I'm terrified of flying.


My fear is incredibly ironic - considering I've grow up in Saudi Arabia and Alaska - both quite distant from mainland USA.


After I got my Patriarchal Blessing, I felt safer. I knew I was supposed to get married and have kids, so I knew my time was not yet. During turbulence, I'd just hold on to that thought... 


Since I've grown older, though, the whole Patriarchal Blessing thing has done less to dissolve my fears. I never pray so hard as when I'm on an airplane.


This fear, unfortunately, came to a head last April when I went to Barbados. I had an utterly terrifying experience flying from Barbados to the States.


Andrew and our new Bajan friend dropped me at the airport. I went inside, checked in, and was waiting for my flight when this overwhelming feeling came over me that I shouldn't get on the plane. I've never had an experience like that before. I am afraid of flying, but it's always just kind of there. I haven't ever just had this feeling that I shouldn't get on a flight, or just felt sheer terror. 


I wasn't sure what to do. They were getting ready to start boarding the flight. I kept praying in my head, trying to figure out what I should do. I want to live by the Spirit - but the line between a warning and me being retarded is sometimes really hard for me to differentiate between.


I was ready to not get on the plane. Messing around with a prompting concerning a plane flight seemed to me like a prompting I should definitely follow. IF it was a prompting. 


I got in line to board, but just couldn't shake this feeling I had. I left the line, and went into the bathroom - which was luckily right next to the line to board the plane. 


I knelt down in one of the stalls, and jut prayed... asking the Lord to tell me what I should do. Telling Him that I was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do. At the same time, I was nervous about what all this meant. If I didn't get on the flight - what would I do? There wasn't another flight to the States for 24 hours. How would I get in touch with Andrew? He had gone to go to Church with our Bajan friend, and he had no cell, no phone at our place (well there was a phone but I didn't know the number). If I got a taxi back to our place, how would I get in? I had no key - and Andrew had a full day ahead and wouldn't be home for hours. How would I explain my not showing up to work the next day? 


I have known people who seem to have revelations or spiritual promptings about the randomest things, and I must confess I do judge them a bit. "I can't go to lunch today, I just don't feel right about it", etc.


Anyways, I was at a loss what to do. I've never really felt like I've had a strong revelation or feeling about anything really, especially out of the blue like this.


What if this was just me being afraid for some reason?


But what if this plane is going to crash???


I eventually decided I just had to make a decision, and pray to know if that was right. So I told the Lord all my feelings and desires, how I wanted to always follow the Spirit, but that I was really at a loss in this situation. I told the Lord I was going to get on that flight, get back to work, and that if that was the wrong decision, to let me know. 


I can't really say what I felt at that point. I still felt uneasy, but I felt it was just more residual fear than a warning to not get on the plane. So I sucked up all the fear, and got back in line. I was literally shaking at this point. I've never been so uneasy/fearful about anything in my life.


I got on the plane, and just prayed and prayed and prayed... during the first part of the flight, I read, trying to keep my mind off everything, not letting myself think too much.


And then...


We experienced really bad turbulence. Really bad. I literally thought I was about to die. I was so scared, I can't even explain. I was hyperventilating, shaking... Scenes from LOST kept going through my head - the plane crash, dead bodies...


Anyone who knows me, knows I have a very vivid (ok - overactive) imagination. I love the scene in Anne of Green Gables, when Anne is alone in the forest she has imagined is haunted. She gets herself so freaked out by her own stories, she passes out. Sadly, I can absolutely see myself doing something similar.


I was so visibly upset, the cute old man next to me asked if I was ok. I told him I was fearful of the turbulence, and he preceded to show me every single picture of his week long stay in Barbados with his wife. We're talking 100+ pictures, with a full narrative on each. This cute couple was a total Godsend - as I think I might have lost it if they hadn't distracted me. 


Side note - the couple, it turns out, were FLDS. We had quite the interesting conversation. A couple years ago, their prophet received revelation that women could hold the Priesthood. But not all women - just the ones called. We talked a lot about things. It was very interesting to hear about their religion. This guy was seriously the sweetest, cutest old guy ever. His wife was not nearly so friendly or awesome. As we were talking about all this religious stuff, and I was thinking what a standup individual she is - his wife was reading. At one point, I accidentally caught a sentence of her book -  and it was absolutely, without a doubt, 100% a porn novel. I about died. This old woman (they were probably in their late 60's) was sitting there, while we were talking about the Priesthood and the Prophet Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, reading a porn novel! What kind of old woman reads those anyways? Hahaha... I got a good laugh out of that. 


This will not be a shock to any reading this - I survived the plane ride. We did not crash. Didn't even have a rough landing.


I still have no idea why I got that feeling, or why I had to go through that extremely traumatic incident. I know it sounds dramatic, but I literally thought I was about to die. I have never been so afraid in my life. 


I am wondering if the Lord was just letting me know that He is in charge. That He is with me, and in control. While my decisions are mine, and affect my life's outcome, He is the Master. He knows me, loves me, and will always guide me. Maybe He just wanted to remind me of how small I am in this world, and how important the Gospel is in my life, how important living near the spirit is. 


Or maybe, it was to get to know this great couple, and tell them more about the LDS Church. 


I don't know - all I know is that was the scariest experience I've ever had. 


Sadly - surviving the plane ride didn't end my anxiety. Now, I'm officially terrified of flying. I'm flying home on Saturday. And while I'm so excited to go home - I'm terrified to fly. I start getting anxious just thinking about it now.


How on earth can I, someone who loves traveling, lives overseas, wants to live overseas in my future and travel a ton, survive with this type of overwhelming fear?


Sigh... I really need to overcome this!!! 


Love,


Brittney