Peas Up My Nose

So, you always hear those stories about those kids who get peas stuck in their nose and the mom has to take them into the ER to get them removed.

I read a funny story in the Readers Digest ages ago about a little boy who got a lego stuck in his nose when his dad was watching him. 

The dad tried to get it out to no avail. He took him to the ER to get it removed. When the mom came home, she was totally appalled the dad had taken him to the ER, because it would have been so easy to remove at home. They got into a fight about it. The mom, to prove her point, stuck a lego up her nose to show the dad just how easy it was to get out.

She couldn't get it out. 

So hours after the dad had taken the little boy to the ER to have the lego removed from his nose, he had to take his wife to the ER to get the same lego removed from her nose.

EMBARRASSING.

I told Trevor I should probably take my wedding ring off in case of pregnancy swelling, but I didn't want to because I love it so much.

Here it is, the first time it was put on my finger! 

Overnight, my hand BALLOONED.

My ring was stuck.

We tried the last 2 weeks to get it off. I've watched every YouTube tutorial and read every "How To" article on removing rings on swollen fingers. We've tried elevation, icing it ( THAT HURTS!) every kind of lubrication, wrapping it with tape, floss and stretchy band.

EVERYTHING.

It hurt like crazy every single time. And it would get so swollen for the next couple days it would really cut off my circulation. I didn't want to get it cut off - I LOVE MY RING!

So, we went into our fancy pants jewlers. There were adorable couples walking around hand in hand, overwhelmed with love.

The clerks helping were all women, in sophisticated and tight pants suits.

I waddled in, swollenly pregnant with twins, my protruding tummy leading the way. I had to wait for the love-struck couples to finish fawning each other before the way-too-thin and dressed up clerks could come over to me and ask how they could help?

And like the child that has stuck pees up their nose, I had to confess that my ring was lodged on my swollen porky fingers.

SHAME.

They didn't have a ring cutter that could cut through my ring (it's apparently unusually thick).

So that was a bust. ALTHOUGH we did learn that our insurance covered putting the ring together again if cut.

We kept trying to get it off with no luck, and at my next doctors appointment I asked the Dr and nurses if they knew how to get it off? It turned into a whole affair with all the nurses looking at my finger and the doctor announcing he had no idea how to get it off. SIGH.

They recommended getting it cut off.

We waited a couple more days, trying at home with Trevor and at work with coworkers to get the ring off.

Still not budging.

At this point, my finger is in pain because the circulation has been cut off. 2 weeks of trying to get it off has landed me in the option of getting it cut off. 

Sigh.

(you can see how tight this poor ring is on my finger)

So, I went into the Instacare near my work. I waddled up to the desk and once again had to explain how my ring was swollen on my finger and I couldn't get it off. Still embarrassing. And this is the third time I've had to publicly explain this whole situation. 

And every time people offer the same suggestions... "have you tried..." Yes, I've tried EVERYTHING. TWICE.

Here is my finger after my ring was cut off.

It's a pretty good thing I finally got it cut off. My finger was in pretty bad shape.

And here is my poor cut ring! It made me so sad.

Note to self - next time I get pregnant, take my ring off the moment the strip turns pink!!!!!

(In case you were wondering, Trevor thought the whole thing was hilarious. I'd be crying and he'd be laughing).

Love,

Brittney

Karma

One of my worst fears came true today.

One time, when I was in college, there was this girl walking through one of the buildings, obviously late for a class and hurrying to get there – and as she darted past me, I saw her skirt was tucked into her underwear.

I wanted to tell her, but she darted past me so quickly, and I was shy to tell her.

This was back in the day when I was unfunctionally shy.  I’m still shy, but I’ve come A LONG ways from where I was.

I still remember that moment, wanting to tell her but feeling too shy, to uncomfortable, and she was past me so quickly I’d have to run after her, which made it harder for me to get the courage to do it.

I’ve always felt so badly about not telling her. How humiliating that moment must have been for her, and I could have helped alleviate it. I still to this day feel guilty over it.

A couple of weeks ago, (well August 1, if you must know… it was our 1 month anniversary, and Trevor being the stud that he is, took me to a surprise sushi dinner to celebrate) Trevor and I were at a restaurant. A lady got up at the table over, and as she did I noticed she had a blood spot on the back of her skirt. As she walked by, I told her.

Having that happen is one of my worst fears. She hustled to the bathroom, holding her purse behind her. I was pretty proud of myself for getting the courage to tell her. I was shy to do it, but knew she had to know. How humiliating for her. I told Trev the regret I had, not telling the underwear girl her situation.

I kind of felt like I’d made peace. I’d cancelled out that regret with a good deed. Booya!!!

So today I stopped by my favorite restaurant, also the place Trev took me to dinner the day he proposed.  I was grabbing lunch for me and lunch for us tomorrow. I had to pee, as I always do. So upon entering, I ran to the bathroom. I then walked to the front of the restaurant, and stood there at the counter waiting for someone to come help me.

I’ve been standing there at least 3 minutes, and a waitress walks behind me and kind of mumbles something and points to my skirt. I think she’s complimenting my skirt and feel all cool.

I grab it to reaffirm – yeah it’s cute! And lo and behold – the back is missing. Basically it is TUCKED INTO MY UNDERWEAR. The whole back. All of it. I’ve just walked through the whole restaurant and am standing at the counter with a giant white butt exposed to the whole establishment.

There are people sitting right behind me, I can see them. I stare ahead, un-tuck it.

As luck would have it, my order isn’t ready. So I have to sit at a table and wait. Surrounded by all these people who have seen me practically naked. Then the waitress who had also witnessed my great white booty gave me my food, and I bolted.

I’ve been waiting for this day to finally catch up with me. Sigh.

So moral of the story is, help your fellow women out! If you don’t, one day, even if it is 6 years later, you will suffer the same fate.

You know what they say about karma….

Love,

Brittney

PS- 

Also if we’re talking about karma… I’m not sure I ever captured on my blog the time Camree made me staple my finger.

One time, Camree stapled her finger and called to tell me. I told her she was a moron. Who staples their finger? Honestly. The way she did it didn’t help… she had a little mini stapler attached to her backpack, and was swinging it/playing with it on her way to class and stapled her finger.

I had no pity, only giggles about the situation.

THE NEXT DAY I STAPLED MY FINGER.

I kid you not. I’ve never in my life stapled my finger. Or any other part of my body. My stapler at work ran out of staples, and I added more but it got jammed. As I was trying to get it to work, I stapled my finger. And it HURT.

I’ve NEVER stapled my finger before. The day after Camree staples her finger and I mock her for it, I staple mine.

OH KARMA. YOU FICKLE FRIEND.

Complete Humiliation = Success

I listen to podcasts on my 30 minute drive into work. My favorite channel is How Stuff Works, by Discover.

My ultimate favorite series is Stuff You Missed In History Class. They cover historical topics of all variety, and I can’t get enough. Until. UNTIL one of the co-hosts got a new job. I was devastated! I felt like I’d been cheated on. The new girl’s voice is horrible. I tried to reconcile myself to this change. Change happens! Your cheese gets moved. AND THEN. The remaining co-host announced she was leaving the podcast. It was seriously catastrophic to my daily routine.

So I had to branch out. I started to look at what other podcasts How Stuff Works has. And they have one Stuff Your Mother Never Told You. It has some interesting topics. This morning I selected one on birth control. As you can imagine, it was slightly… loaded with sexual words. Not in an arousal type way, but there’s really no way to address birth control without getting down and dirty.

The podcast hadn’t finished when I got into work, so I just closed it out and got to work.

I was opening a Safari browser, and must have hit something (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED) and suddenly the podcast started again. AT WORK.

SEX

ARROUSAL

PENETRATION

GENTIALS

PENIS

VAGINA

SEX

SEX

SEX

SEX

SEX

SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All coming out of my phone at rapid paces, on LOADSPEAKER.

AT WORK. IN MY CUBICLE.

I WORK FOR THE CHURCH. IN THE IT DEPARTMENT.

WHERE IT'S 98% MALE.

I’m frantically trying to get it to stop. It won’t. I turn the phone on silent, nothing. Finally, after what felt like a million years it shuts off. I sit there, huddled over my phone not wanting to look up, look at my ALL MALE co-workers tucked into these small, tight cubicles. Then I hear laughter.

OH GOSH.

I tried to explain to these males around me, but even me listening to a podcast on birth control is HUMILIATING. It didn’t help much.

I went to the bathroom to regain composure.

On my way back, as I get closer to my desk, I hear “BOYFRIEND!” in this horribly obnoxious voice.

OH MY GOSH.

So, about a month ago, I was browing iTunes, turns out they have text alerts you can download. Cool, right!? One was entitled “boyfriend”. So I listened to it. It’s this obnoxious male voice saying,

“HEY! IT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND!! YOUR BOY TOY!!! GET IT!! GET IT!! IT’S YOUR BOOYYFFRIIIEENDD!! PICK UP PICK UP!! DON’T KEEP HIM WAITING! BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I thought it was hysterical. So I downloaded it. I played it for Trev and he thought it was annoying and didn’t want to text me anymore. I still thought it was hysterical. I keep my phone on silent (vibrate) 95% of the time, so I only really turned it on ring when I was around the house waiting for a call.

Apparently when I was trying to get my birth control podcast turned off, I turned my phone off silent to on.

Trevor texted me while I was in the bathroom, giving my whole portfolio practically a lesson on birth control and then informing them I’m dating someone.

AWESOME.

Love,

Brittney

Bear Arms & Wind

Trev and one of his best guy friends,Will, workout together, in an endeavor to procure what they call "Bear Arms". Trev basically has them - he's now focusing on cardio. 

Anyways...

That has become a recurring joke. Bear Arms. Surprising how much it comes up. 

Text messages today between Trev and I:

Britt - I just remembered my dream. Someone was being mean to me and I was sad. Then I remembered you were there and would take them out. And I wasn't sad anymore. Haha! I love you!

Trev - Muahahahahaha! Operation put bear arms into action!!

Britt - So random!! But truly I love you so much. You're my Bear Man!!! (Instead of knight in shining armor... they are the same equivalent)

Trev - Yes!!! I'm glad I could rescue my princess in distress

Britt - You are so sexy and bear-armish this is what I see when I look at you... My very own bear man!!

(PS - the tattoo is a nice touch. I'd rather it say Brittney but whatever)

Britt - This could be yours and Wills logo... you'll have to fight over who gets the boobs.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Trev - Happy Tuesday baby!

Britt - It's definitely a happy Tuesday for the guys who came into work at the same time as me this morning. It's super windy this morning and as I was walking through the parking lot I thought how breezy and cold my legs were and looked down... the #$%^&* wind had totally blown my skirt up.

Trev - On no!! Babe! I'm so sorry! How are you doing? You ok?

Britt - I thought it was pretty funny. I had a slip on that didn't come up - it's just super short. I know you are supposed to be the first to see my goods, I'm so sorry it just happened! I let my guard down for a moment and the wind had its way with me...

Trev - That dirty wind! And I can't even beat it up or push it down...

Become Less Fat

Some of the guys at work get together a couple of days a week and play Ultimate Frisbee. I’d never played before last summer, but they invited me so I started playing. I LOVE IT! I’m not amazing, but I really enjoy it.

Since we all work together, they sent out a series appointment for the days they are playing. The title of the Frisbee invite is “Become Less Fat”. The group consists of a bunch of computer nerds (excluding myself) so they thought the title was fitting and amusing.

Today I was in a Missionary Work Portfolio Devotional. We were using my laptop to project to the whole portfolio, comprised of almost 50 men and 2 women (myself included). I’ve projected many, many times of the course of my employment with the Church. I’ve learned some things.

1 – Exit out of all chats. Completely quit the program.

I’ve received some embarrassing and interruptive chats while presenting. Won’t make that mistake again.

Also not applicable to this particular situation, but also a lesson learned – don’t IM someone something that could be embarrassing if you aren’t sure where they are – because they could be in fact, presenting themselves. Such an instance could have occurred when I IM’d Kip the following (Note - going to Hooters is on my bucket list, and Kip knows this, and we had discussed going. Hooters is mentioned in all kinds of movies and quotes, and I just want to know what they are talking about, and if the hot wings are really that good):

Brittney: Wanna go to Hooters Sat?

Kip: Really? You looking for a new job? :)

Brittney: I totally could get a job there. But no, I’m not job searching

Everyone in the meeting saw my IM, Kip’s cheeky response, and my embarrassing (and implying) retort. I got made fun of for that for a while.

2 – Exit out of all browsers.

It is somewhat embarrassing and doesn’t look good when people go to pull up IE and they can see the blog you looked at during lunch, or the swimming suit you want to order for summer.

3 – Make sure your desktop picture isn’t an embarrassing one.

4 – Exit out of anything that isn’t necessary to have open.

Today, I learned a new essential item to add to the list:

5 – Exit out of your email

Why? Well, in case an appointment pops up on your screen that says, “Become Less Fat”.

HOW.EMBARRASSING!

As soon as it popped up, everyone read it and busted up laughing. Seriously, everyone laughed for forever. And no one knew the context of the invite, so it just looked like I had an invite on my calendar for me that said, “become less fat”. Yes, world, I need to become less fat! Glad I could inform you of my resolution!

UGHHH!

Love,

Brittney

The time were I bonded with the floor of the elevator at the COB

I go to the Church Office Building usually once a week – on Thursdays. I enjoy being downtown one day a week, and I especially love lunch at the Blue Lemon (if you haven’t been there – go! But it has to be the one downtown, I tried the one in Lehi once and it wasn’t as good. Their sugar cookies are so good!).

This week, we had training at the COB starting at 8am. Which means I was to be there at 7:45 to make sure the room was set up, the food had arrived, and to get the instructor from the lobby and take him to the room.

At 7:45am on Monday I got a call from my boss  wondering where I was? Guess who had forgotten and hadn’t left the house yet?  UH OH.

I officially entered panic mode, threw on clothes, didn’t put any make on, didn’t do my hair (ok – let’s be honest – I rarely do that stuff anyways). I was in mega-stressed out mode.

I drove as quickly as I could downtown, parked, and made my way from the Conference Center parking garage to the COB.

I ran to the elevators and pushed the up button. The doors immediately opened. People were coming up behind me.

Unfortunately for me, as I’d run to the elevators and pushed the up button, my shoes began to slide. They twisted and turned, and coupled with my heavy geeky laptop backpack (they call them field backpacks – since we in the IT dept have to cart our laptops everywhere we go it seems like) I didn’t stand a chance. As the doors opened, I pummeled inside, landing on my hands and knees, ending basically flat on my face in the COB elevator shaft. The whole elevator bounced with the unexpected fall.

Luckily for me – the doors in the COB open and close incredibly fast. The people coming behind me absolutely saw, but the doors mercifully closed before they could join me in the elevator. I can only imagine their looks as they watched me slide around, try to regain my balance, watched my backpack swinging from side to side, pulling me with its weight, and then finally go flying into the elevator, landing on my face – all in a skirt. Then the doors closed. I can just imagine their faces, their comments to each other…

I just sat on the floor of the elevator laughing for a while. But seriously – it hurt. It really hurt!!! I have one major scrape on one knee, one minor scrape on the other.

The door opened on the 27^th floor, and I hobbled out of the elevators and down the hall. Did I mention it REALLY hurt? All the while laughing… how could you not laugh after that?

I was half an hour late to this meeting. I walked in the room, and all 30 of the attendees had made it on time, and the training was in full process. To make matters worse – the tables were arranged in a giant U shape – and the only seat left was on the opposite side from me. So I had to walk around the entire room, squeezing between the wall and the chairs. Did I mention that of the 30 attendees all were men? It was embarrassing – making a huge spectacle of myself, walking in late, finding a seat, all with bloody damaged knees.

I basically laughed the entire meeting; I couldn’t get over my disaster. And my knees were killing the whole time. During our first break, I told a couple of my co-workers I’m particularly close to. They died laughing.

One of them came up to me at the end of the training, put his arm around me and said,

“You know, I’d be delighted if any of my sons brought home a girl like you with red knees. It means she spends lots of time on her knees praying.” HAHA. I wish that were the real reason!

Another came up to me this morning, looked at me and laughed. I knew what he was laughing about. He just had to re-live the moment. Then he added to my humiliation:

“You realize they have cameras all over the COB lobby, right? In the elevators? You know the security guys watched you slip and fall into the elevator, right? That they all died laughing, and showed it to everyone on staff. In fact, it’s probably on YouTube now.”

It’s not. I checked.

Love,

Brittney

Dr.McDreamy and the Unfortunate Underwear Incident

*Disclaimer - Ok, this is a pretty personal post, but… It is MY blog. I can say whatever I want. Plus the only people read it are close friends and family – so whatever. *


So I went to the neck and spine doctor yesterday, finally.

I went into the exam room, and they handed me a gown to put on.

I took off my pants and realized – I am wearing old underwear with holes. The band is coming off, and there are HOLES.

Not only that – but somehow, I managed to put my underwear on inside out. Yes, that's right. Inside out and full of holes.

I’m sitting there, laughing to myself feeling so stupid, and thinking the only thing that could make this worse? If the doctor is young and cute and single.

But what are the odds that a spine and neck doctor is young and cute and single? That would happen in someone else’s world, not mine.

Well, apparently the fates decided to mess with me.

He was #1 – really cute, #2 – single, #3 – A practicing doctor and #4 – Flirting with me.

Really flirting with me. Staring at me, asking me personal questions, flattering me. He kept smiling at me and calling me “Miss Brittney”. Yeah, that's cute.

He even asked me how a cute Mormon girl like me was still single? (I wanted to say because I hadn’t met him yet. KIDDING.)

And the whole time I’m thinking – oh gosh. Wait till he sees my underwear.

I’ll spare the rest of the details – but he did check me out once I was dressed and on my way out the door. So maybe you can’t judge a book girl by its  her cover panties.

All I can say is I wish I’d listened all those times when people talked about making sure you have clean underwear on always, in case you are in an accident and the EMT guys have to rip them off of you. Well, I can vouch for my cleanliness – but not my cheapness. I am a changed woman. I’m throwing everything out and starting new.

Although, I must confess I think being in an accident and having busy EMT guys tear your nice (yet possibly over-used) panties aside is far less humiliating and noticeable than having Dr.McDreamy see you in panties with holes in them.

Confessions of a socially awkward Church employee

So this morning, I was in a hurry as usual. It’s freezing outside at 7am, and I mostly only have dresses and skirts – and I wanted something warm. I found a pair of pants and threw them on – they are seriously from Jr. High School. They fit – just a little too tight in the OD (Kenzie and Camree’s word for bottom – opposite of down… don’t ask).

I wanted to wear the pants, but needed a shirt that was long. I was in a huge hurry, but finally found a long sweater, threw it on and left the house.

The bathrooms at work are totally awkward – the men’s and women’s restroom doors are opposite each other. So when you are coming out, and a guy is coming out (which always happens. There are something like 300 men on my floor) you get to look at him straight on, and see into the men’s room – unless you emerge from the bathroom with your head down. Every time I go to the bathroom, it seems like I have some type of awkward moment.

So I am coming out of the bathroom today, and run right into this guy. He is young, single, and he wasn’t working here anymore. He works for a company that contracts out to the Church, and as we moved from the Triad, he finished the project he was working on. So I didn’t expect to see him ever again. And there he was, right there coming out of the bathroom, in the most optimum place for us to collide.

We started talking, and I was embarrassed and shocked at seeing him and had a meeting coming up I was worried about. The following is the true and almost verbatim conversation that took place. Well, the fluff before is omitted – I skipped right to the disastrous part.

Him: “I like your sweater”

Me: “Thanks. I wore it because it’s tight.”

“Well not because it’s tight, but because my pants are really tight.”

At this point, I immediately realize what I’ve said. I start to get really red.

Me: “I can’t believe I just said that.”

I hang my head in shame, looking at the floor, thinking HOW in the world I just told a young single guy I wore this sweater because my pants are extremely tight? WHO does that? I get redder and redder, standing there in the hall. He’s just looking at me. I try to make small talk, but I’m just flustered and red and he’s just standing there, so I excused myself, and ran to my meeting. And the whole walking away part was lovely, because you know he’s going to watch me walk away, to see just how tight these tight pants really are.

Is it any wonder I’m still single? Haha.

Just a disclaimer – the rest of the pants are not tight at all… just the butt area. And the sweater was really long, and covered everything… it was still embarrassing as all get out though.

Love,

Brittney